Dear Random People,

November 18, 2008 at 10:57 am 8 comments

I’m going to write you some letters, random people. Please read these if they apply to you.

Dear neighbor,

Welcome to the neighborhood! You are actually pretty attractive, but your roommate is even more attractive! Anyway – we totally invited you to our pumpkin carving party (arguably the largest in the neighborhood!) and you didn’t come. Not a big deal. However, it has come to my attention that you have started listening to some tapes in your room every night this week, starting at 11 p.m. and not ending until around midnight. I know this because my bedroom and your bedroom share a wall.

Now, this wouldn’t be so bad as I’m sure I have played my share of music (etc.) and you may have heard some of it, none as late as 11 p.m. mind you, but that’s apartment life. What makes this particular tape horrendous is it is not music, but a single overly sincere voice going on and on about bible study. An hour of bible study, played at volumes so loud that it sounds like it is coming from right outside my window. And the man’s voice is so annoying – sort of that over-dramatization and enunciation that is present in many a raconteur. Like a man talking in a mirror, but pretending that instead of the mirror there are 10,000 eager listeners.

Neighbor, I like you. You seem pleasant enough even though you snubbed our awesome party (we didn’t need you anyway, the apartment was packed. So take that). But please, please, please turn down your bible study. We all need hobbies, and I enjoy a good read every night in bed. I just don’t have a guy on my stereo turned up to 11 telling me how or why I should be reading my copy of Sock Monkey. Headphones, my dear.

Your Neighbor

Dear girl working at motorcycle parts store,

Whoa! You are a girl, working at a motorcycle parts store. How’s it going? Do you ride motorcycles and stuff? You are actually pretty not bad looking. What’s the deal here? What do you do? Do you like old Hondas?

You know what? You are probably into those crotchrocket jocks, guys who wear bright green leathers to match their fruit loop looking bikes. You totally bum me out, girl worling at motorcycle parts store! I’ll just take two of those inline filters and be on my way.

Until next time,
Customer Robert

Dear Cocker Spaniels,

How did you come about? What sort of sick bastard hundreds of years ago bred YOU? How in the heck did you become desirable? Sure, I’m not a dog person. But I enjoy a good dog here and there, as long as I don’t live with them. Give me a nice lab, a good mutt, a frisky Dachsund, or a proud Husky! But a Cocker Spaniel? You are the worst of dogs! Quit howling everytime you hear a fire siren! Plus, you look like Linda Hamilton from the first Terminator movie. (Please see attached).

Eternally annoyed at your existence,
Spaniel kicker


Entry filed under: Aww crap!, Dear Random People, garbage sacks. Tags: .

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  • 1. melissalion  |  November 18, 2008 at 11:37 am

    Maybe the motorcycle shop girl is looking at you thinking you’re into bible thumping neighbor girls.

    It’s like a modern-day O Henry story. Or like that Replacements song, Skyway.

  • 2. Robert  |  November 18, 2008 at 11:57 am

    I think Paul Westerburg has come up more times this week than any other times in my entire life, combined.

    And to be clear, I didn’t hear any bible thumping. And bible study is just fine… JUST NOT AT 11 P.M. AND NOT ON TAPE!

  • 3. Robert  |  November 18, 2008 at 12:00 pm

    And here is a bonus picture:

    Linda Hamilton on a Honda Elite scooter

  • 4. melissalion  |  November 18, 2008 at 12:16 pm

    Linda Hamilton lives in Malibu. She’s very, very well read. Maybe she’s your dream girl…

  • 5. Isabelle  |  November 18, 2008 at 12:17 pm

    I’m glad I slipped that drawing under your neighbor’s door.

  • 6. Robert  |  November 18, 2008 at 12:30 pm

    No way. First off, she looks like a cocker spaniel. Second, she rode a HONDA ELITE, even though they have a Devoesque charm to them. Third off, she’s well read? Strike three!

  • 7. dave  |  November 18, 2008 at 2:20 pm

    I would argue that Linda Hamilton in T-2 is totally ass kicking hot.

  • 8. Kiala  |  November 19, 2008 at 12:12 pm

    Bible study is never fine.

    Also, Dave is into cocker spaniels. I learned that today from the internets.

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