in which I critique shit

April 2, 2008 at 11:04 am 5 comments

I rode my motorcycle into work again today, and all seems to be going well. My valve tappets are still a little noisy, but hey – we all have noisy valve tappets every once in a while, right reader?

I decided to critique some things for your “enjoyment” my dear reader. Torture your eyes and your logic with my ill-informed musings below:

DVDs – These are annoying! First, they have a big stupid plastic case for a thin little DVD inside. Talk about a waste of space! Secondly, the smallest little scratch makes your DVD drive lock up and wig out, and you have to go remove the DVD and blow on it, slap it on your knee, etc. Then you have to put it back in, go through all the garbage and get through the 30 second animated main menu, and try to approximate where you were when the scene froze up.

DVDs are annoying garbage! VHS may have looked like crap, but at least it didn’t fail when you looked at it wrong. Give me digital movies. Give me a little box with 100 movies on it then I can pick from a menu.

Stephan Malkmus – Real Emotional Trash – Yeah, the “Jicks” are in there too. This album is ok, but the jamming makes me crazy. Stop jamming. Just end the song. I listened to this multiple times this weekend while working on my bike. I would get frustrated at something on the bike, then the jamming in the background would cause me to become furious! I realized I am the “Jamming Hulk” and that all jamming causes me to get angry, and smash (a wrench into the ground). I haven’t really listened to it since, but I picked it up used!

Guided By Voices – Earthquake Glue – Why do GBV fans dog on this album so much? It is pretty great, with one exception. The song “Apology in Advance” is hands down the worst Guided By Voices song of all time. Worse than the weird little ditties on Suitcase 1 and 2. Worse than stuff from their first EP. It is ham handed and the lyrics are ridiculous and it makes me want to barf.

Email – When did this become the way people choose to carry out their primary form of communication with someone? It is cold, distant, and only useful as a way to convey information – not to convey feeling. Try this – don’t check your email for a week. I’m doing it and so far so good!

Sad Fart – Keep eating and smacking. You are annoying and you eat stuff 75% of the day. Your butt makes my eyes hurt. Your face is like the pony that the one kid painted in the movie “Ghost World.” Remember? During the first art class, and they slowly pan across all the art work, and the protagonist painted Don Knotts? Well, one of the first pieces of art they pan across is this sad, sad pony face and it cracks me up more then anything else in the entire movie.

This weekend I plan to wheelie the entire time. The rest is none of your business! Just kidding. Seriously though.

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Entry filed under: Dork Alert!, General Blabbing.

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5 Comments

  • 1. isabelle  |  April 2, 2008 at 11:10 am

    Jamming is annoying.

    Sad Fart is your secret lover.

  • 2. Robert  |  April 2, 2008 at 1:07 pm

    (S)he is your favorite fart friend. You guys eat artichokes and hummus together then go lock yourself in an air tight room with a tape recorder and record your farts and laugh and laugh and laugh. Then you have girl’s night.

  • 3. Jenny  |  April 2, 2008 at 7:47 pm

    I hate DVDs too!

    We rented one the other night that looked like someone had driven over it 18754 times and then farted on it, sadly. What are people doing to their DVDs?!!!! Seriously! How does it get that scratched up.

  • 4. Kiala  |  April 3, 2008 at 9:25 am

    Oh, I HATE the smacky eaters. They make me sooo mad. My ex husband’s jaw used to pop when he chewed with every single chew and I’m pretty sure that’s why I divorced him.

  • 5. Robert  |  April 3, 2008 at 10:58 am

    I had a girlfriend who smacked her food, and she knew it drove me nuts. But I liked her so much I looked past it.

    OBVIOUSLY I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN IT AS AN EARLY SIGN! Good thing I never proposed!


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